Yesterday I dropped my 10 year old at school (because he's the only one of the four that's not being homeschooled now) and because I was alone for once, I had little talk with God. Yep, talked to Him right out loud even though I'm sure the passersby thought me nutty. I told Him how disappointed I am that my 17 year old's educational career suddenly isn't shaping up to be what I planned. I jogged His memory about that plan - it was a good plan! Afterall, this is the boy who tested college-level in the 8th grade. I told Him that I'm feeling very inadequate to bear this responsiblity. Lest He forget that one expelled boy and a new bunny to board does not good parenting equal. He needed to know (because, of course, God knows everything even before it happens - EXCEPT when my circumstances reveal that He must not be aware how serious this is)! I needed to to tell Him... that I'm disappointed, that I'm caught off guard, that not having the plan set out before me makes me nervous, that I've looked at all the possible angles and I'm not seeing much good come out of this, that it didn't shake out as fair as I figured it should have... And why, Father, did you give me 3 more of these little sinners to raise when I've obviously wrecked the first one?!! Exactly what different directions should I have followed? And what new directions am I to follow now?? Do you not know the bad that can come from this? How am I supposed to explain all this to those who demand explanation? Then, like He always does, He spoke... 
Tonight... I have to speak at a Ladies Meeting that I don't really want to go to (because I'm not nearly so enchanting in person as I like to pretend here on the blog). It was planned months ago. I'm to talk about the accident... And about how God has used this very same son to change me. Funny how God times things, isn't it?!
Dearest Polly,
ReplyDeleteI just hate hearing the pain of your heart in the midst of these circumstances...I'm so sorry...but I suspect the Lord has a mighty work to do, not only in your son and family and your own heart and mind, but in the hearts and lives of the women He's appointed to your path tonight. The freshness of the brokeness and the pain can be powerful in the hands of our mighty, loving, BIG God...just lay it all at His feet and watch what He will do with it!
"The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord"..."A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:1,9
He's got you firmly in the palm of His capable, strong hand - rest there...
Hugs and Blessings,
Becky S.
Hi Polly,
ReplyDeleteI don't know all the circumstances but I do know that we do the best we can do as parents and sometimes we feel like we fail, been there, done that and then I remember that Satan loves us to beat ourselves up. Polly, just know that God will never leave you, it is us who leaves him. He always is with us. I have had to remember that so many times. My heart hurts for you today and I pray that as you go about your day and speak at your ladies meeting, that God will bless you abundantly.
Hugs,
LeAnn :)
Well we know how all things work together and I'm sure His perfect plan will unfold and surprise and delight as it often does...hold on!
ReplyDeleteIt will all work out as it always does. You need to step back and give yourself the pep talk you would give one of us!! Keep praying, God listens
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you:-)
Michelle
I am so glad that God has such big wide shoulders to take all and anything that we can throw at Him.
ReplyDeleteIf ever we doubt this, just go to the psalms and listen to the wails and woes, and then, light dawns and the praise takes the spot of the wailing.
I am so glad He is so close and so patient that even though He knows it all, and nothing catches Him by surprise yet He tenderly holds us as we talk it through with Him.
I am so glad God does not answer my prayers as I want them answered.
I am so glad His sovereignty over rules them all.
He knows, He cares, this has not caught Him unprepared. There is a reason for this shielded time at home. Maybe you will never see it, but maybe you will. Your inadequacy is His opportunity to show how totally adequate He is and how much He delights to give to us and to bless us.
Dear Sweet Polly,
ReplyDeleteIt takes time and such patience to raise our children, your son has been through so much trauma with his injury that day to day life is sometimes too overwhelming to handle as well for them...I am speaking from experience here as you know! He may have to recapture the time lost on just becoming whole again, it will be OK! Maturity comes in levels doesn't it? You get over one hurrdle and here comes another to jump! My 20yr. old is still home and now is not working, the boss gave a man with a family Tylers job because he felt sorry for him! Tyler was outraged, he is a highly skilled trim carpenter, and sees no justice in this! I do, when you have children you see the world in a way different light...someday he will understand why this happened! We must trust God for every small detail of life, as now it is sending Tyler in a new direction, he is going to become an Ironworker, which of course is a decision I have to let God really soak me in Peace over because of Justin's fall!
I will be holding you up each day in prayer, holding your son up along just like he is my own!
With heart to heart love,
Donna Lynn
Shattered !!
ReplyDeletethat's a good word
lovingly, Deena
Our children are not perfect and isn't that the we we are with God. We are far from perfect, yet God loves us unconditionally. I am so glad that God loves me, even with all my faults and yes, it's the same for our own children. We love them and we KNOW the good that is in them. Too many parents care too much about what "other people" will think. Your son will grow from his experiences....you will love him, and always KNOW the good in him, just like our heavenly Father knows this of us. Blessings to you and hope the peace will fill your heart.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is all we can do to just sit at His feet and cry..... He is so understanding of that and He bottles up our tears...... they have a language all their own..... He hears and He is listening........ He has gone before you and has cleared the path.....
ReplyDeleteThis has actually been one of my very favorite posts I've ever read by anyone...anywhere. Thank you for the honesty and insight into yourself. Praying with you for your child.
ReplyDeletePam
I understand! I have had this conversation with God! We have always homeschooled our kids, and I just had expectations of how my children will turn out. Well, my oldest had different ideas about that! It has been a difficult journey, but GOD! He has taught us so much, caused us to search our hearts and throw out much that was "tradition" and not HIM.
ReplyDeleteOur oldest is still not walking with the Lord, BUT God has shown us His Sovereignty and that He has been at work in the world long before we came along and that He is STILL at work - in our child's life.
Be encouraged that God Knows.