Those First Steps

Well then, take my hand and let's walk shall we?

Excerpt from my personal journal - May, 2007: What I really wanted at the start of all this was just the ability to relax, to enjoy my family and my home - to not worry that DCFS will show up and my house is a mess, to not spend my nights thinking of responses to petitions or the right words to say to a Guardian ad Litem. More than a few times I've had to face that my own sin caused this mess!

How do I begin this? Where is the beginning? Does it start where I met my ex-husband, where I ran to him, my childhood friend, because my boyfriend of 4 years was done with me... Or does it start with walking away from the Lord, choosing to not choose God? How do I talk about the abuse, the empty loneliness, the affairs? (yes, he had affairs and yes, I had affairs)... Not allowed substantial contact with my family - and not being a family... A child raising a child... fearful of losing that one thing she loves - that one single blessing... clinging to it and fearful of it being taken away. Yes, that's where it begins - That wretched, sickening fear!

Years and years have passed since that marriage - that life. I've had new life for a long time now, new husband whom I adore, 3 more children, a home that I love to be in... But 6 months ago I was still living in the fear of losing it all. 6 months ago I was barely hanging on. The picture of one thing and the reflection of something else entirely. A homeschooling mom keeping tedious records for fear of the court. Unable to discipline effectively because of fear of the court. Unable to allow a house unkempt. Unable to move in one direction or another without an explanation of that move. Always trying to be one step ahead. Always nervous. Always fearful. And I was sick of being afraid all the time!!

I started a personal Bible study, seeking the answer to one question: "How do I not be afraid?". Two things became clear very quickly. (1) I needed a renewing of my mind - to focus on my blessings rather than my fears and (2) It was going to be a season of changes - not something that would happen overnight. And this was the specific verse that God gave me: I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing

So... that being the beginning, let me tell you about my life these last 6 months... the parts that I have not been blogging about...